was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
