Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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