TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
