Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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