I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
