Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
