there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
