i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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