I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
