i would punch a child for taco bell
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
