you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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