my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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