The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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