my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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