I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
