We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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