nut hugger
You're my little dorito
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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