I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
