dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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