I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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