FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
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Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
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Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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