It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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