she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
