I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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