I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
