doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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