dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!