i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
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I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
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I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now