I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.