I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?