the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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