hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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