It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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