if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
