I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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