I puked a lego.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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