i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's no shave November. This is our time.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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