i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
