do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
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I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
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