you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize