Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
