why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
