farters have to be the big spoon...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
