dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
we should paint friendship bongs
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
