you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
