Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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