Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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