I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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