the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
