grandma shit on top of the toilet
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Randomize
