I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
