I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
