shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
