im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
