Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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