just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
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Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
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We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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