My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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