I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
