So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
