why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
