I think I won the penis lottery.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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