She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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