So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
