she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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