i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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