By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
