I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
