drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
