I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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