im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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